braintransplant / Recent Entries

have i made a single friend in the city i moved to 6 months ago? nope! but thats okay. im in the fucked up position of being painfully shy, socially inept, but also fairly extroverted in the sense that i love spending time with people (even strangers) a lot. i guess i can consider some of my coworkers my friends but its obviously not the same. i wallowed in the sad state of my social/love life the first couple months after moving but i have been forcing myself to just Go Outside And Touch Grass and i feel a lot better even though at the base level i am still pretty lonely.

i joined a figure drawing co-op! in the one year of art school i attended before dropping out, figure drawing was probably my favorite class. though i do not mean that in the sense that figure drawing is something im deeply passionate about as an art form - i just like the way figure drawing sessions are structured (increasingly long poses/drawing times) and i like the way the time limit immediately puts my brain into a flow state. so relaxing!!! anyways, the co-op is monday nights at the local art school and it really makes me happy to do, which is nice because art school sort of killed my love of drawing for the past ~7 years. i even started making linocut prints again! lots of nice low-pressure social interaction with randos there, and lots of free compliments on my gesture drawings which doesn't hurt. the other thing i love about figure drawing is that it always gives me such a strong affection/appreciation for the appearances of people in ways that feel wildly outside of conventional beauty standards. i leave sessions thinking shit like "that guy had fantastic earlobes" and "what a perfectly made knee!"
i became a card carrying member of my city's film society. the cinema the program runs through is a non-profit meant to support independent film, and the ticket/concession prices are dirt cheap compared to the big chains. i love it! the 10 minute bike ride across the river there is amazing especially when the sun is setting in the evening. i saw 6 movies in theaters last month. they also do a special showing for the film society with a speaker and a Q&A session. i didn't talk at the ones i went to yet but maybe one day i will...
piano lessons.....that i just signed up for the other day. i was originally debating joining a choir even though i am not really a singer, but it requires a full year commitment to weekly practice which is a bit much. but i miss piano (took lessons when i was a kid and quit because i was a snotty 7th grader). first one is next week so we'll see how much i have completely forgotten how to read music. plus i found out my local library has a room with a grand piano you can reserve for free yayyyyy my taxes!!!!!
dating and then giving up on dating and then dating again. those of you who follow me on twitter already know the humiliating train wreck i endured at the hands of Comedian Man. for the uninformed, i briefly attempted to date an engineer who also does stand-up on the side. it was about 1 month of explosive sexual chemistry, then him ghosting me, me being confused because i have never been able to read the room, him apologizing 3 months later and wanting to get together again, and then him almost immediately ghosting me again 2 weeks later. if i open our text chain its just 3 unanswered messages i sent him across ~10 days. humiliating!!!!!! but embarrassing yourself is the spice of life and i feel like i am kind of a weird embarrassment adrenaline junkie. i dont care enough about social niceties to not share my thoughts so i always do. anyways, since my attempts to be #casual and #relaxed in dating did not work, i then tried to be serious. 4 different people proceeded to cancel on me day-of and did not reschedule, and then a 5th person fully stood me up. and that felt like a sign from the universe to abandon all hope. so i stopped for a while. but i got bored and picked it up again recently. went on a really good date this week (so good that we already have 2nd date plans) but i probably shouldn't get ahead of myself. we didn't even kiss! i thought maybe i should try having decorum and stop sleeping with people on the first date but its hard when you're a real #lover....
as per usual, climbing gym + associated free yoga classes. i dont think i go on a consistent enough schedule to be recognizable to people yet but i switched gyms and really like the new one so much better.
signing up for random bullshit! japanese weaving class at the arboretum? i'm there. shifts at the food bank? sure, i love packing boxes. being a greeter for the horticulture program's area at the state fair? absolutely.

CONCLAVE (2024)

RATING: ★★★★★

COMMENTS: I fucking LOVE this movie!!!!! It was utterly riveting from start to finish and I have been desperately trying to get everyone I know to go see it. The cast is amazing - so many excellent Random Guys From That One Thing I Know And Also Stanley Tucci. This movie is obviously not shy about its satire of the Catholic church, so it proceeds with total freedom to be dramatic and tense and moving and at times incredibly funny. I saw an early release attended mostly by people 60 and up, several of whom walked out once it became clear that this was not a film about the righteousness of Catholicism. Great sound design on this thing as well: hushed conversations completely bass boosted in surround sound plus startling staccato strings for the somewhat minimal scoring. Cardinal Benitez slay forever. Also the Italian cardinal who was constantly vaping in front of beautiful religious institutions. A movie that makes you say DIVA! in your head 500 times per viewing.

HIGHLIGHT: If there was only certainty, and no doubt, there would be no mystery. And therefore no need for faith. Let us pray that God will grant us a Pope who doubts.

BIG EDEN (2000)

RATING: ★★★★★

COMMENTS: This movie is sooooooo sweet. Pike is an early 2000s romcom love interest of all time….TO ME!! The concept of a small town basically conspiring to get him together with Henry is delightful. I also love Pike having a Greek chorus of middle-aged fishermen that hang out in his shop and meddle with his love life. George Coe as Henry’s grandfather absolutely shredded my heart. Both lead actors are so charming (and Eric Schweig is insanely handsome). The side plot about making out with your repressed, closeted, and divorced childhood best friend that makes you feel bad about yourself is so ahead of its time in terms of pop culture relevance. This is also the only movie in the world that knows about the indescribable beauty of every general store in a rural Montanan town of 10 people.

HIGHLIGHT: Why can’t you see how much love there is that people just want to pour on top of you? I can't help but think that your grandma and I didn’t do right by you somehow. I feel like maybe we taught you something wrong. Because you won’t tell me who you are. Did we teach you shame? Did I teach you that? ‘Cause it would break my heart if I had. Can’t you see what a good job god did here? Can't you see how beautiful he made you?

THE SUBSTANCE (2024)

RATING: ★★★(3.5)

COMMENTS: Exited this movie convinced I would be having visceral body horror nightmares for the foreseeable future, but thus far have managed to avoid this completely. I rated this lower because I think the whole thing went on about 20 minutes too long. Otherwise it was a 4 star movie for me (probably). This movie of course sparked lots of #Discourse about the #Meaning of this film but I think a lot of the chatter still managed to miss the mark a bit. The insanity of female beauty standards is the VEHICLE not the MESSAGE; this a movie about the absolute soul-rotting power of self-loathing and the violence of self destruction. Which is applicable beyond the prism of physical appearance. But also I think we are all just taking it too seriously. So many tweets about how it’s soooo ridiculous that Elisabeth/Sue doesn’t respect The Balance. Remember you are one, the ominous voice of The Substance Hotline repeatedly reminds her. Well guess what: someone who was capable of respecting the balance would never do the drug in the first place. Despite how it seems, despite where the message comes from, at the end of the day you are the one destroying yourself. Also; Margaret Qualley’s completely unhinged delivery of CONTROL YOURSELF is the line-reading of the year.

HIGHLIGHT: The Monstro Elisasue transformation which made me audibly gasp and say Oh My God No outloud in the theater.

WOLF HALL BY HILARY MANTEL

RATING: ★★★★★

COMMENTS: This is one of those books I have long avoided reading because I just knew that it was going to completely absorb my life. It took me a while to get through this book, but I simply could not pick up anything else in the meantime. I don’t know why I loved this so much, to be honest. It was all just so compelling. This will make sense to almost no one, but Thomas Cromwell is very AMC’s The Terror James Fitzjames to me. My wonderful doomed and charming un-canonized saint. Also, there is genuinely crazy 16th century old man yaoi to rotate in here if you want to. Lastly, this book contains one of my favorite/one of the funniest insults I’ve ever come across in a novel: You nobody from Hell, you whore-spawn, you cluster of evil, you lawyer!

HIGHLIGHT: “Have you made a good confession?” / “My lord cardinal, I was a soldier.” / “Soldiers have hope of heaven.”

HIGHLIGHT: What is clear is his thought about Walter: I’ve had enough of this. If he gets after me again I’m going to kill him, and if I kill him they’ll hang me, and if they’re going to hang me I want a better reason.

HIGHLIGHT: “Sometimes it is a solace to me,” Henry says, “not to have to talk and talk. You were born to understand me, perhaps.”

HIGHLIGHT: “Do you know what I say? I say I don’t know one man in England who would have done what you have done, for a man disgraced and fallen. (...) I say, it's a pity you ever saw Wolsey. It's a pity you don’t work for me.”

HIGHLIGHT: Later he will hear that Frith and the boy suffered, the wind blowing the flames away from them repeatedly. / Death is a japester; call him and he will not come.

THE SCORPIO RACES BY MAGGIE STIEFVATER

RATING: ★★★★★

COMMENTS: I think I was 15 the first time I read this. For the past couple of years, I have made a little tradition of rereading it every November in honor of the opening line: It is the first day of November and so, today, someone will die. There are a few cringe moments but overall I feel it holds up (though I am clearly biased). Somehow, every year I notice something I missed before, or am moved in some way by moments I have completely forgotten! In 2020, I realized that Gabriel and Peg Gratton were clearly having an affair. This year, I noticed the moment very early on in the book that Finn gets the idea to gamble all the money on Puck at the end. George Holly is still my favorite non-POV character by a mile - the older I get, the more I appreciate him. I also have soooo much more sympathy for Gabriel now that I am his age. When Puck finds out from Father Mooneyham that Gabriel has cried repeatedly in the confessional…it really pierces my heart. Anyways! This book completely kicked my fucking head off when I was 15. To me it is the near-utopian ideal of a heterosexual YA romance; Puck and Sean touch like once or twice and instead spend most of the book participating in an insane psychosexual torture dance. Like, why is Sean tucking Puck’s hair into her sweater when they take his evil horse that killed someone yesterday out for a ride the most romantic thing that has ever happened? Their first kiss happens at a funeral. What a novel!

HIGHLIGHT: “I don't need another horse. I just––” / Holly follows me, and though I don't turn around, I hear his voice clearly. “It's just that he's not yours.”/ I'm not certain I want to have this conversation. “It's not that he's not mine. It's that he's Benjamin Malvern's.”

THE IDIOT BY ELIF BATUMAN

RATING: ★★★★

COMMENTS: Something about Batuman’s writing style is so funny and mesmerizing. Selin is such an interesting protagonist - she is an idiot but in such a specific way you can only be at 18. There were so many throwaway lines that made me burst out laughing in real life. I loved this for how readable and how particular it was. I honestly can’t think of much to say - I just had a good time. I think there is a sequel (?) which I hope to pick up soon.

HIGHLIGHT: That was the best thing about college: it was easy to leave. You could be in the place where you lived, having an argument that you had basically started, and then you could just say, “See you later,” and go somewhere else.

HIGHLIGHT: Svetlana had written about whether love was a game you could get infinitely good at, like in French novels—whether it was a matter of playing your cards right—or whether it existed between certain people in some kind of current and you just had to tap into it.

keeping it simple. intentions for the year:

1. graduate in december!!!!!!!!! by any means necessary.
2. summer internship or seed potato lab employment for one last burst of resume bolstering.
3. climb v5 or get back to 5.11A top-rope level at LEAST.
4. read 12 books. i set this low at one book a month so that it is low pressure and my heart doesn't explode from stress. preferably i would like to read more books from non-american authors again!
5. save more money...........i shall aim for 25% of take home pay.
6. cook more often and more adventurously
7. maintain friendships! my 4 closest friends in bozeman will all have moved out of montana by the end of january. i do not intend to drift apart!!!
8. own less stuff. too much clutter = why i struggle to keep my apartment from becoming visually stressful
9. write more. fic or original - doesn't matter! i really miss the process of writing, and the fun of posting/getting feedback/discussing shit endlessly.
10. get back to juice-hunting. for those uninitiated to my twitter 6 years ago, when i lived in detroit i was dedicated to trying every juice i could find and hunting for the best version of each. i'm sure there's still tons of juices and fruit punches i have never tried...it was fun and stupid and we should all have at least one silly resolution :)
11. get job offer that makes moving back to detroit possible upon graduation. this is not realistic as agriculture/horticulture industry does not exist there outside cannabis which i pledged to never work in ever again so...belle isle conservancy please be hiring in december.
12. continue seeing every movie that comes out ever no matter how stupid. i have one of those cinema passes and i intend to keep abusing it

Media from November and December! I forgot how to read again!

Video Games

Dead Cells (2018)

I have owned and played this game on switch for several years; it routinely is updated and has multiple DLC’s. Dead Cells is a rouge-like dungeon-crawler with delightfully brisk combat and (at times) truly outrageous weaponry. Every couple months Dead Cells calls to me and I get addicted to it for 30 days straight before getting my life together again, and the cycle continues. I am awful at all video games, so I have only ever gotten as far as the clock tower, and only recently began unlocking certain aspects of the game. Mainly ridiculous weapons such as Electric Whip That Kills You If You Use It Too Much and Inexplicably Powerful Crowbar.

Cozy Grove (2021)

Saw this game on sale for 8 dollars and picked it up on a whim. Very Animal-Crossing-esque except all the villagers are ghosts of bears. You do tasks for the ghosts so that they may become real again and add color to the map you play on! This game has a very chill Where’s-Waldo/I Spy book aspect wherein your assignment is to locate small objects across the cluttered and ever-changing landscape. It also only allows a certain amount of quests to be given in a day, so you play it over a long time instead of binging it endlessly at once. I enjoy it, but for someone else it may be nothing special!

Apex Legends (2019)

Everyone but me in my social circle is chronically addicted to Apex. Recently my boyfriend forced me to just try the game out via the built in ‘training center’ aspect of the game in which you have access to every weapon, infinite ammo, and dummies that won’t shoot you back. Sadly, what ensued was a disaster of epic proportions. I’m talking less than 25% aim accuracy. Forgetting how to switch guns. My insistence that there should be a controller sensitivity setting between 2 and 3. Hand cramps. But even this has not deterred my loved ones from asking me to play this game with them. Don’t you guys care about your ranks at all!!!!!!!!??? Can’t we just play Titanfall 2 instead???????!!!!!!

Movies

Saltburn (2023)

I had fun watching this movie! No one else in my theater seemed to be laughing but I found the whole thing to be pretty deeply funny. Rosamund Pike was killing me. However, this movie is definitely not as transgressive as it thinks it is, or as transgressive as I expected it to be based on the general public’s reaction. Everyone was screaming and crying and throwing up over Barry Keoghan drinking Jacob Elordi’s cum-laced bathwater, but that is barely an abstraction of one of the most common and vanilla sex acts out there. Like why is everyone insisting they have to kill themselves after seeing it! I saw fifteen million tweets about the bath scene, and yet no one mentioned the part where Barry Keoghan strips down in the rain and fucks the freshly laid dirt over Jacob Elordi’s grave. Like OK now we’re getting somewhere…The only other sex scenes in this movie involve BK giving a woman head while she’s on her period, and BK giving JE’s cousin the world’s driest handjob while telling him to behave. Two things that can only be shocking to someone that has never had sex before. I also saw many people argue that the class politics of this movie demonize the middle class, but the main character is literally revealed to be wealthy, just not old money wealthy. Also in my opinion the film quite literally has nothing to say about class politics. There is almost a complete and utter lack of thematic meaning in this movie, a quality which is marginally rebuffed by some parts being mildly sexy in several directions. Anyways. I walked back to my car in the movie theater parking lot, inexplicably unable to stop thinking about how much funnier this movie would be if the main character was played by Skyler Gisondo instead.

Priscilla (2023)

Saw this earlier in November and found it ultimately kind of blah and forgettable. Costuming/makeup/hair department come get your prize though, that shit was fabulous! Jacob Elordi is off-putting as Elvis, though it's possible I still have residual Nate Jacobs of Euphoria fame based fear of him. Cailee Spaeny is somewhat formidable, but this script gives her nothing to do. Priscilla is hardly fleshed out as a real person. I’ve seen some reviews say that this is the point; Priscilla Presley’s life was squandered by Elvis, and she was barred from any autonomy that would have allowed her to develop as an individual. But what are we doing then! And I felt that the movie went pretty easy on Elvis anyway. I don’t know. It’s not a bad movie, but it’s not all that great either. I expected a bit more out of Sofia Coppola I suppose.

May December (2023)

This movie is so sharp with its criticism of the culture/world we live in…I enjoyed it as I watched it and then enjoyed thinking about it for several days afterwards. As many people have been saying, Charles Melton is outstanding in this. He somehow convinces you as the viewer that he is younger than his own teenage son in the most heartbreaking way possible. The movie first truly comes into focus when Portman’s character, a C-list actor come to town to study the subjects her new role is based on, answers a Q&A from a teenage boy about filming sex scenes: Portman’s character explains that sometimes you are uncomfortable but pretending to be aroused, and sometimes you are aroused pretending to be uncomfortable. You see throughout the runtime how Portman’s character tries to mine and dig into the subjects of this awful story, all under the guise of research, so that the film she is making can be ‘truthful’ and really mean something. Just asking questions. But it's clear she is getting a dirty sort of satisfaction out of digging into the tabloid story she remembers: an affair between a 36 year old woman and a seventh grader. Melton carries the weight of reality around until he is ultimately forced to confront it, shattering whatever thing was still holding him together. In return, Julianne Moore says he was the one who pursued her. Melton watches his children with Moore graduate from highschool and weeps behind a chain link fence. They’ll go on to adulthood in a way he never could, or never can--freely. The movie has a sick sense of humor to top all its excellence off; at the very end, Portman’s movie is revealed to be nothing more than your average piece of shit, poorly lit Lifetime drivel that will never bother to say the true thing. Magnificent!!!!

Godzilla Minus One (2023)

Genuinely one of the greatest movies of the year I’m not even joking. I saw this in a theater by myself then dragged four of my friends a week later to go see it again so I would have someone to talk about it with. This Godzilla movie returns to the original era of Godzilla; post WW2 Japan. And it does so because it has shit to say!! At the surface, it has many criticisms of WW2 Japan’s devaluation of life, through allying with Germany or through the use of kamikaze pilots, the needless death of the era. It even takes some deserved shots at the US and the Soviets. But beneath all that…it's about forgiveness, it's about second chances, it's about family, it's about survival, it's about justice. It's about pride in and love for your community that exists outside of nationalism. That exists outside of government. IF YOU EVEN FUCKING CARE!!!!! The film is sort of weirdly paced for the first 15-20 minutes, but once main character Shikishima gets a job retrieving mines in the sea from the war, it hits a perfect stride. Some of the people in this movie feel like such loving portrayals of classic Japanese character archetypes; the chummy, loud, and paternal boat captain…the buttoned-up but friendly scientist…the whiny twenty year old with a little growing up to do. If you see the movie you know exactly what I mean. Additionally, the practical Godzilla work looks excellent, and the score absolutely rips. Go listen to Godzilla Suite II right now. You are going to start punching holes in your walls and crushing soda cans against your forehead I’m not fucking joking.

The Boy and The Heron (2023)

Guys does Hayao Miyazaki fucking hate birds or is he lovingly obsessed with them? Hard to say. When this movie ended I just sat in my seat scratching my head but by the time I got home I had gathered my thoughts and felt so deeply moved somehow. To me, this movie is about letting things come to an end because they must, and also about how there is actually no one Miyazaki can pass the legacy of Studio Ghibli onto. Which is so painful and bittersweet. My friends and I saw the dub because we needed to hear RPatz heron voice which is so insane you would literally never know it was him without the credits. Florence Pugh’s character was also an unexpected favorite. Sexy butch fisherwoman in a fantasy world save me….Anyways. This movie is visually stunning as expected, the score is excellent as is expected, go see it just as a gift to your eyes, if nothing else. Also I need 500 of those little Wara-Wara guys living in my house right fucking now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Past Lives (2023)

Wow wow wow wow wow. I didn’t know a single thing about this movie when I decided to watch it alone in bed on a Wednesday and it frankly blew my face off. Emotionally. Like I still don’t even know what to say. Past Lives is an excellent movie about the inexplicable forces of life that can bring people together or push them apart, regardless of how much we try to go in the opposite direction. The script and screenwriting is so kind to the three characters. A review I enjoyed of this movie said it best: The extraordinary thing about Celine Song’s Past Lives is how it’s able to pose so many questions, but none that have any definitive answers. Should they be together? Should they not? What if this, or what if that? If you are a sentimental fool with a weakness for first love/second love tropes, watch this movie. Not important side note: Teo Yoo is extremely handsome.

Poor Things (2023)

I quite literally saw this last night so I don’t really have fully formed thoughts yet, but I enjoyed this a lot. Emma Stone is excellent. Willem Dafoe is excellent. Mark Ruffalo is hilarious. Ramy Youssef plays an excellent straight man. Hair, makeup, production/set design, costuming, music, all delightful and imbued with a Wes-Anderson-esque meticulous detailed-ness. A lot of criticism re: this film’s approach to sexuality + liberation really reminds me of that tweet that's like Is [pop star] a feminist? Is MasterCard a queer ally? Is this tv show my friend? I think we all would be better served by viewing feminism as something you can do rather than something anything can be. But whatever! I’m sure it will invite 5000 years of born sexy yesterday discourse I don’t give a shit about. This movie is unabashedly horny and weird and dedicated to letting its main character be/do whatever she wants regardless of whoever may find it offensive/repulsive/impolite. It rules…to me……and guess what. There is a dance scene :)

IMPERIAL RADCH TRILOGY by ANN LECKIE

RATING: 5 stars outstanding show-stopping life-changing groundbreaking exquisite and unprecedentedly beautiful

SUMMARY: There are no words.........

COMMENTS: I decided to finally finish this trilogy after being killed in January of 2021 by Ancillary Justice. I started with a complete re-read of Justice to refresh my memory, and it is still as devastating and fun and thoughtful and interesting and intense as ever. Anyways Breq I love you so much forever until the sun explodes and we all die for real. I’ll just paraphrase from my original review of the first book about how Breq’s grief and rage and pain are so huge and REAL…the emotional core of her really drives the whole series to incredible places. Ann Leckie also deserves so much credit (in my opinion) for taking an outrageously difficult POV concept and making it totally coherent, as well as for having 1000 opportunities to make the obvious choice in terms of worldbuilding and just. Not doing that. The cultures and people and species in these books are simultaneously familiar enough to ring true and yet so bizarre as to be off putting. The Presger translators, Sphene, even Seivarden’s outdated Radchaai proclivities…effervescent stuff! I need to get into the short story/novella side of this universe which I only recently found out exists. Anyways. Breq/literally anyone MY SHIP REAL!!!!!!!!

HIGHLIGHTS: “That,” I said, “is why I hate you. / She laughed, as though I had said something moderately witty. “If that’s what you’re willing to do for someone you hate, what would you do for someone you love?”

HIGHLIGHTS: If you lose this gun, I will not live long enough to forgive you.

PAGES: 1,116

TRANSLATION STATE by ANN LECKIE

RATING: 3.5 stars

SUMMARY: What if you were never what you thought you were?

COMMENTS: Overall this book feels more juvenile than the rest of the Ancillary universe, which I suppose makes sense given the circumstances of Qven (who I feel, despite being 1 of 3 narrators, the novel centers around). This book takes the universe so much farther into the weeds about multiple bodies being one Person. And I like it. I like to think about it. But ultimately this is pretty middling stuff and didn’t stick with me the way Leckie’s other work has! There were a lot of interesting things occurring in the margins and between the lines of this book; Enae’s family’s tea plantation dynamix, Presger translator babby school, weird ethnonationalist societies…but still. This one just doesn’t have the star power. For another author this might be a better book, you know???

HIGHLIGHT: N/A

PAGES: 422

THE COLLECTED SCHIZOPHRENIAS by ESMÉ WEIJUN WANG

RATING: 4 stars

SUMMARY: What if you could never know if it was real?

COMMENTS: This was such an unexpected hit for me. It got recommended to me on Book Depository (RIP) while I was looking for something new to pick up. Wang is an incredibly captivating writer - such a rare treat for nonfiction. This book is about both schizophrenia as an illness/diagnoses/cultural conception as it is about Wang’s own experiences with it. If you enjoy medical anthropology or criticisms of mental healthcare or just want to read something truly interesting, you should pick this up. It gets a bit woo-woo near the end, though the author admits that - and has interesting thoughts about scientific views on woo-wooiness as well. It also introduced me to the world of Chronic Lyme which is a rabbit hole I cannot stop going down. I really enjoyed the clarity and sympathy this author brings to this topic. Definitely a standout read of the year for me!

HIGHLIGHT: I can’t speak to her now, but I do imagine what it was like to be her on the night she killed her brother. When I think about the murder, I think about how excessive thirteen shots is. I also think about how a man who loomed over your bed in the middle of the night, a man who claimed to be sent by God to kill your daughter, might seem like a man possessed by evil, and therefore capable of anything, including surviving multiple gunshot wounds -- even if you loved him once, or still do.

PAGES: 224

DAISY JONES AND THE SIX by TAYLOR JENKINS REID

RATING: 3.5 stars

SUMMARY: IDK what if you were straight and horny and married to someone else

COMMENTS: I read this after I watched the television show - which only got juicy in the very last episode. Basically the whole drive of this book (which is presented as the transcript of interviews with members of a band a decade or two post-disbandment) is a will-they-won’t-they romance between the two lead singers of a band, one of whom is an addict married to his first love, and the other of whom is an addict with self destructive hypersexual tendencies. I mean, I read it very quickly, and I had some fun, but this book is just above average in terms of overall quality. They should have had an affair for real!!!!! Boooo!!!!!!!!!!

HIGHLIGHTS: N/A

PAGES: 368

EARTHLINGS by SAYAKA MURATA

RATING: 2.75

SUMMARY: How far would you go to be who you think you are?

COMMENTS: Mostly this book just made me wonder how I end up reading so many books involving cannibalism without seeking it out specifically. I wanted to enjoy this more but I simply didn’t! It has been a few months since I read this and honestly I don’t remember anything specific about it which is an indictment of its general blandness in my opinion.

HIGHLIGHT: N/A

PAGES: 247

AXIOM’S END by LINDSEY ELLIS

RATING: 2 stars

SUMMARY: What if you were reading a terrible first contact novel.

COMMENTS: Guuuuuys I really hated this one. I wanted to like it! But I just didn’t. The main character is genuinely outrageously boring, bland, and annoying - it was a struggle to get through this story alongside her. The vaguely horny human/alien relationship wasn’t even fun!!! BOOOOOO!!!!!!

HIGHLIGHT: N/A

PAGES: 384

THE HANDMAID’S TALE by MARGARET ATWOOD

RATING: 4 stars

SUMMARY: What if property was all you’ll ever be? What if you had to find happiness, had to make a life, had to stay yourself that way?

COMMENTS: Honestly I have no idea why I’ve never picked this up before - I knew it would be right up my alley; disturbing, gross, dark, religious. The internet tells me that this book invented the subgenre of feminist dystopia the way that Ursula K Le Guin invented anthropological science fiction, which I think is a fair assessment (though I can’t assert if it is actually the truth). The Handmaid’s Tale absolutely is dedicated to examining the contradictory ideological conceptions of women, especially among fundamentalist Christians: mothers, servants, property, virgins, whores. I tore through it in about a day. Margaret Atwood’s sparse, direct, yet oddly beautiful writing was so refreshing after dragging myself through the sludge of Axiom’s End. Offred is an incredibly compelling narrator, weaving the story backwards and forwards along an unknown timeline. She is about as low on the ladder as you can get within Gilead society, obviously barring those who are sent to the Colonies. I found the world of this novel incredibly interesting and disturbing, I was scraping up every minute detail Atwood put on the page. The character of Nick was so intriguing as well; his rare appearances added so much to the story and emotional world of Offred. Nick and Offred’s romance/relationship(?) brings so much heart and depth to both of them as characters…like their ability to (seemingly) truly have this escapist love affair and find relief in one another has heartbreaking sincerity inside a very cruel and unfeeling universe. I was also really into the epilogue of this book, which frames the entire novel as a set of tape recordings discovered many decades in the future, studied by scholars focused on the now-fallen nation of Gilead, being discussed and debated at an academic conference. So cool!!!

HIGHLIGHT: Nobody’s heart is perfect.

HIGHLIGHT: You've killed her, I said. She looked like an angel, solemn, compact, made of air. She was wearing a dress I'd never seen, white and down to the ground.

PAGES: 314

THE TESTAMENTS by MARGARET ATWOOD

RATING: 3 star for Aunt Lydia

SUMMARY: What if you had to destroy the only thing you were allowed to build?

COMMENTS: Margaret Atwood should have dropped the other two POVs and just let this be about Aunt Lydia. Aunt Lydia’s position in Gilead basically affords her the knowledge to tell the story of the other two POVs anyway, and her perspective was by far the most interesting, as well as the only one that felt true to/in communion with The Handmaid’s Tale. I listened to part of this on audiobook, and the narrator for Aunt Lydia’s POV is the actress who plays her in the TV adaptation. Her voice is so fitting (in my opinion) and really added to the experience! The POVs of the other two narrators, both teenage girls, comes off as bizarrely YA in a bad way. I also want to thank this book for introducing me to microdots, the greatest spy technology ever invented. I really loved the look into the administrative side of Gilead and the lives of young girls in Gilead after the mystery left behind in The Handmaid’s Tale. Definitely worth a read if you keep your expectations low for ⅔ of the narrators.

HIGHLIGHT: Love is as strong as death.

PAGES: 432

THE X FACTOR
The X Factor is the be-all end-all of being into someone. Basically when someone has the X Factor your feelings are both intense and totally disproportional to the situation at hand. And there is no discernible reason that you feel so strongly about this particular person and not any other random one...it's just the X Factor. Sort of a star quality situation. Having "it." What professional hockey GMs call "the intangibles."
Signs you are experiencing the X Factor:

Thinking the sentence "I want to live inside your skin" (not in a Hannibal Lecter way)
Watching NBC Hannibal and being like ok yeah I kind of get it though
Wanting to braid and/or brush their hair like it is the 17th century and you are the lady's maid
Googling 'cob houses' and being like Yeah we could do this together
Having birthday gift ideas for them 10 to 11 months in advance
You are constantly dying in agony all the time
Becoming horny over literally nothing
Wanting to study them in a lab
Getting turned down by them is the emotional/egotistical/psychological equivalent of being killed 100 times by an orbital cannon

THE SEX FACTOR
The Sex Factor is an essential aspect of the X Factor, but can exist independently. The same way that all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares. The Sex Factor by itself is for someone who Fucks, and you are attracted to, though probably more in the physical sense than any other. Isolated Sex Factor is basically just the distinct lack of X Factor, though you still like the person well enough. There's chemistry, but not necessarily in a romantic way. Your friends probably ask why you aren't dating this person and your answer is probably, Why Would I.

THE REX FACTOR
The Rex Factor is an unfortunate situation for everyone involved. People with the Rex Factor are perfectly nice; its not that you don't like them, but instead that they are obviously/undeniably WAY more into you than you are into them. There is no sex factor although if you do fuck it will probably be fine. Anyways, the obvious imbalance of interest levels makes you feel like this person is your weird dog named Rex who lives its life pretty much entirely at your will. Theres no reasonable explanation for turning them down other than the nebulous excuse of IDK, VIBES?

THE HEX FACTOR
The Hex Factor is reserved for the even more unfortunate situation where someone is into you but you really dislike/are repulsed/turned off by them. And thus you wish you could hex them/curse them/etc because you don't know how to turn them down without saying something rude. This is what happens on like 60% of dates I go on. When a text from a Hex comes up on your phone, you go Oh Jesus H Christ and try to come up with a normal sounding reason that you are really busy right now and can't come over or go to dinner or do that thing today, tomorrow, or a week from now. In fact, you are moving to another continent soon never to be seen or heard from again.

I am having a very bad year of reading. No 5 stars so far :( Also there are quite a few books I’m not even bothering to review because there's nothing to say LOL

Acceptance by Jeff Vandermeer

Rating: 3 stars

Summary: Basically what if you had to go on a company retreat in a giant biohazard.

Comments: Obviously I did not like this as much as I liked the second book in the Southern Reach Trilogy but few things can live up to Authority's particular oeuvre. IN MY OPINION. Anyways. I keep reading Jeff Vandermeer because despite the fact that his writing style does not particularly appeal to me and he is a chronic loser of the plot, his premises/ideas are so interesting that I just can’t help myself. He also crafts some of the most truly psychotic relationship dynamics I have ever come across…though they are rarely fleshed out in the way I would like. I very much appreciated the added POVs in this final book; the lighthouse keeper (Saul) and Gloria really round this installment out. I especially liked Saul. In typical Vandermeer fashion I don’t understand anything that happened in this and felt underwhelmed by the trilogy’s conclusion. But it's okay. I had fun. Maybe the real Area X was the friends we made along the way etc etc.

Highlight: I never did forget about you. I just took a long time coming back.

Highlight: Don’t you get tired after a while? Of always moving forward and never reaching the end?

Highlight: What did you hide from us about Area X? / Nothing that would have helped you.

Hummingbird Salamander by Jeff Vandermeer

Rating: 3.25 stars

Summary: What if the collapse of civilization was also a scavenger hunt put together by a suspected bioterrorist that knew your dead brother.

Comments: Again with the Vandermeerian problem of boring writing paired with a delightfully insane premise that promptly gets lost in the plot. Protagonist in this is a 6 foot tall woman that works in security and was formerly a professional bodybuilder who recreationally cheats on her husband. Put simply, I love her. She’s not particularly compelling or anything, I just appreciate what she does for this novel in the general sense I guess? This book opens on the protagonist receiving a mysterious letter that leads her to a taxidermied extinct species of hummingbird (aka it is illegal), then promptly snowballs into an insane apocalyptic mystery involving federal agents, giant corporations, scorned friends, scorned lovers, and a guy named HELLBENDER. All while the environment and also society collapses. It was interesting, but not particularly Good. If you know what I mean.

Highlight: You tripped a wire. I don’t want to be in the cage with you.

Hyperion by Dan Simmons

Rating: 3.5 stars

Summary: honestly there is no way to sum this up

Comments: Um…..this book is balls to the wall crazy. As expected from the author of THE TERROR! Once again the writing itself is nothing special but the story kicks off like a bat out of hell and does not let up. It clearly takes inspiration from the format of The Canterbury tales, aka a group of people traveling together each take turns telling their story as they head towards their destination. Which in this book happens to be a creature called the Shrike on the planet Hyperion that will supposedly kill all but one of the seven people on the pilgrimage. This book has everything; priests getting parasites, poor anthropological ethics, fucking on a battlefield, falling in love with some girl you saw in your dream one time, diseases that make you age backwards, making out with cyborgs, poems that predict the future, accidentally becoming a folk legend, destroying your relationships with space time relativity, and the Wizard of Oz. Something the whole family can enjoy! It ends on a cliffhanger before the pilgrims meet the Shrike which is extremely annoying but I also am not sure if I care enough to read the sequel.

Highlight: N/A

USER: ALVA [DATA SELECTED]
fandom: horizon zero dawn/ horizon forbidden west
ship: aloy/kotallo
rating: g
word count: 3,009
additional tags: epistolary, outsider pov, canon compliant, h:fw spoilers, if you know you know

A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula K Le Guin

rating: 3.75 stars

summary: The only way to stop being chased by your shadow is to turn around and chase it back.

comments: Hehehe I FINALLY started this series. Several people have said that I will really like the sequel (The Tombs of Atuan) so I am looking forward to that!! Overall I liked this book - it's trapped in the 3 star range forever because unfortunately it is children’s literature and I am not a child so naturally I wanted more; more darkness, more conflict, more depth. Which isn’t to say that UKLG did not expertly execute the existing darkness/conflict/depth of this book! I love true name magic fuckery. I love the weird little wizard school. I love Ged’s first wizard master that he comes to love dearly despite thinking he’s totally lame as a child. I read a review of this about how reading Earthsea at this point in time can make it feel played out, but only because UKLG invented so many wizard school/wizard tropes that are popular today. And also subverted so many things that eventually became tropes in such interesting ways. It's very clear that when this book came out, it was totally fresh - or that if this was the first kid wizard book I ever read, it would have been. And I wish it was fresh to me! But it isn't. And I STILL liked it, which is a testament to its general good-ness. Ged is a fun protag and I can’t wait to see where this series goes. Several moments genuinely touched my heart. It sounds like I’m ragging on this book but I genuinely think it was quite good!! UKLG’s imagery is as powerful as always; an endless ocean suddenly turning into sand, Ged sparring with dragons, a dilapidated shack on a tidal shoal. I also really loved that there is no Big Bad Evil. There’s no Voldemort figure, there's no nebulous, faceless force working to destroy the world. The evil Ged has to defeat is that which is already in his heart. OH URSULA I MISS YOU EVERY DAY.

highlight:

“For I had forgotten how much light there is in the world, ‘til you gave it back to me.”
“I would keep you here with me, for I have what you lack, but I will not keep you against your will. Now choose between Re Albi and Roke.” / Ged stood dumb, his heart bewildered. He had come to love this man Ogion who had healed him with a touch, and who had no anger: he loved him, and had not known it until now.
“Lord Gensher, I do not know what it was – the thing that came out of the spell and cleaved to me –” / “Nor do I know. It has no name. You have great power inborn in you, and you used that power wrongly, to work a spell over which you had no control, not knowing how that spell affects the balance of light and dark, life and death, good and evil. And you were moved to do this by pride and by hate. Is it any wonder the result was a ruin? You summoned a spirit from the dead, but with it came one of the Powers of the unlife. Uncalled it came from a place where there are no names. Evil, it wills to work evil through you. The power you had to call it gives it power over you: you are connected. It is the shadow of your arrogance, the shadow of your ignorance, the shadow you cast. Has a shadow a name?” / Ged stood sick and haggard. He said at last, “Better I had died.” / “Who are you to judge that, you for whom Nemmerle gave his life?”

pages: 183

Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card

rating: 4.25 stars

summary: If you found life from another world, could you recognize it at all?

comments: Speaker for the Dead blew my fucking mind when I was 13 years old so naturally I wanted to reread it and see how I feel now that I have critical thinking skills and the unfortunate knowledge that OSC is a raging sexist/racist/homophobe. It never fails to stun me how he is Like That and then wrote a series about how every life has value. But I digress! While reading the first half of this book something I couldn’t quite put my finger on was putting me off. Eventually I narrowed it down to a couple things. The treatment of women overall in this book (and series?) is a bit weird. Almost every adult woman who is not an ascetic monk is in love with Ender in some way by the end of the novel (Jane, Novinha, his sister in a weird fucked up way and I’m not a freak for saying this because he refers to his separation from Valentine as ‘being widowed’). Ender also sees a photo of Novinha when she is 14 and he is 30(?), ‘falls in love’ with her, and marries her at the end of the book when they are both adults because of time-space age fuckery. I was also put off by the treatment of the alien race (pequeninos) for the first 2/3rd, but that is mostly a purposeful narrative decision which highlights how the people on Lusitania don’t actually see them as equals, and is corrected. There are also a few moments where it is unclear whether it is the narrative itself or the inner monologue of Ender/other POV characters who refer to one character’s bionic eyes/blindness/disability as ‘monstrous.’ So there's all that. And yet…somehow…Speaker for the Dead still got me. I cried two times. I ended up loving Ender again after wondering if he was becoming a Gary Sue. I loved Ela, I loved all the pequeninos, I loved the climactic arc of the treaty being created. The 40-50 pages post-treaty are honestly a little boring IMO but I didn’t mind so much because of the last few pages where they finally plant the hive queen on Lusitania and Ender bawls his fucking eyes out. The reveal that Pipo and Libo’s deaths were actually the pequeninos trying to do them a high honor by thinking that humans also had a third life is soooo fucked up and good. Anyways. Ender is so compelling as a protagonist. There's probably valid criticism of how in-universe he’s the greatest military commander who ever lived, a famous prophet, and also the only person with access to the most powerful AI in the world, which gives him a bit too much deus ex machina, but who cares. It's sick as hell. Also the fact that Ender falls in love with Jane, the deviated form of an artificial intelligence porgram that was designed to psychologically torture him as a child, cannot be overlooked for its inspiredness and hilarity.

highlights:

“Sickness and healing are in every heart. Death and deliverance are in every hand.” / “Human,” said the speaker, “tell your people not to grieve for what they did in ignorance.” / “It was a terrible thing,” Human said. “It was our greatest gift.”
“Will he always come between us?” / “Yes,” Ela said. “Like a bridge, he’ll come between us.”
“I knew her so well that I loved her, or maybe I loved her so well that I knew her. I didn't want to fight her anymore. I wanted to quit. I wanted to go home.”
“I imagine it feels like bathing in ice to the person touching her. But how does it feel to her? Cold as she is, it must surely burn like fire.”

pages: 382

i am once again setting goals for the year because my 2021 ones didnt go too badly. in no particular order:

land some kind of research job/position at MSU: i have decided im going to schmooze the hell out of my profs until one of them offers me something wicked. i just have to be the greatest student of all time and magnify my libra charms...and then i can finally stop toiling away in the shitty job mines.
read 24 books: as always i set my reading goal to be attainable because there is always Something getting in the way of loftier numbers. 2 books a month average has been successful for the past couple years and feels natural so im doing it again! i do however want to read more writing from other countries - maybe another country's classics or a novel that became very popular there in the past few years...? mutuals from outside the united states please feel free to rec me a classic you actually liked or anything else from where you live that was good. i love sci fi especially.
save 5k: last year i barely scraped my saving goal together but i was still getting through my depressi shopping addiction issues for the better part of 2021...LOL. i think i can actually pull this off this year. i always need longer term somewhat unachievable goals to motivate saving, so i've settled on wanting to get a mac desktop + saving to get a new car in a few years (ford maverick truck im looking at you!!)
get stronger: i never set weight goals because frankly im pretty sure im underweight and it just doesnt motivate me nor do i think its particularly productive for my situation (thank you medical anthropology), so i am once again aiming to get jacked. well maybe not totally jacked but i just want to stop feeling so frail. i really noticed it while moving my stuff across the country. last year i was making small gains before field school but then it just fell off. so i need to get back on the horse, or whatever that metaphor is.
learn to rock climb: in utah we clambered up a lot of rocks and cliffs without any equipment and it was sooo much fun. the puzzle-y aspect of How Do I Get From Here To There is delightful as well. im just nervous to officially try it alone and for some reason feel embarrassed that i will have to be bad at it for a while + am so weak...so i need to get over that. which i will. but i will probably need to muster the courage and get comfortable in bozeman for a little while first.
good grades: not aiming for a 4.0 because i want to be realistic yet hopeful, so nothing worse than a B+.
original fiction: i really want to write something original this year, even if it sucks. or at least just do some world-building or compile some notes. ITS TIME. for the braintransplant cinematic universe.
closet minimization: i got rid of a ton of clothes before i moved, but i still have too many. i'm down to the stuff i love + stuff i like well enough, but theres still some pieces that just dont get worn enough. i will probably head over to the consignment store up the road and see what the situation is because i feel bad adding on to the infinite piles at thrift stores + would like some $ return if at all possible. its only been a week since i got here but clothing definitely needs to be a bit more practical than some of my closet is when its -4 fahrenheit (aka -20 celsius) some days.
get better at piano + bass: hopefully i can find the time or get some lessons! piano i can re-teach myself mostly but i need help with bass because i dont know how to overcome my tiny hands.
less screen time: some of my stats last year were kind of horrifying.
learn some kind of craft: i want to make things again!!!!!
become more well spoken: i stumble over my words a lot + noticed recently how often i use 'like' as a crutch and would like to stop. not sure how to work on this but i'll research it i suppose...

lets look at the 2021 resolution/plan/goals post i made at the beginning of the year and review my successes/failures

college (5.5/7 = 79%)

anthropology writing intensive course: i did the writing intensive in conjunction with the anthropology capstone requirement but forgot to actually register for the intensive due to some miscommunication on the part of my professors/advisors. however my advisor just waived it and its fine. so i did it. in a fucked up way! it was about urban farming in detroit.
re-take technical comm: i did not do this. i replaced the gen ed requirement this was going to fulfill with a dumb intermediate writing course. so i kind of did it.
exit interviews: the head of my department said we weren't doing exit interviews this year. so i passed?
see if field school transfers as anthro methods course: it doesnt. but its fine i just took anthro methods.
graduate with linguistics + anthro degrees: hell yea
re-enroll for biological sciences: i did this if you consider that i refined general biology idea to environmental horticultural science. so this counts as a pass. to me!
michigan state master naturalist course: cancelled due to covid. SAD!

field school (2/3 = 66%)

manifesting that it happens in person even if it ends up in utah: nailed it!
letter of recommendation from isaac: havent asked for this because i havent needed it
win the presentation competition: well there was no competition this year for some reason but considering the fact that dr broughton had zero comments on my practice run, isaac had no edits on my paper or research proposal, and one of the guests at our conference told me i should apply to work with the bureau of land management to help solve their wild horse problem, i feel like i kind of won.

work/finances (1/3 = 33%)

stop being the worst employee of all time: i got a different job and became a solid B-tier employee imo
save 2k: well some people have dental problems and are bad with money. i got closer than i did last year though. and to be fair i did just have to get all new furniture. so maybe i did it for a second.
stop buying clothes oh my fucking god: failed this HARD. had successful 1-2 month stints where i abstained (and am currently in a solid streak right now) but this is a huge problem for me...shopping addiction.....aha. help.

misc: (4/5 = 80%)

read 24 books: made it to 26 or so! i wanted to read way more than this like i did last year, but in my defense i had WAY more going on in 2021 than i did in 2020. i did it though. i got better at picking out books i like this year too.
more volunteering: i think i did alright in this. i did tree planting and rain gardening and food donation and clothes distribution and some mutual aid stuff with for the people detroit so...i feel okay about it but also wish i did more! hopefully i can find some good stuff to volunteer at in bozeman.
contact [redacted]: i did not do this and boy am i GLAD i did not do this. i have officially let go of my firstlove disease! chains and tyranny etc etc
clear out apartment clutter: well everything i own now fits in my car. so!
get out more if possible: you know what sure. i met interesting people this year and also went places when i could! im a real boy now (not a puppet)

( Read more... )

in response to the twt post asking what you think is the most romantic moment in all of fiction...these are just ones off the top of my head. my taste is bad and my choices require heaps of context but who cares...its just vibes

( Read more... )

i finished PARTIZAN. shoutout to noura who never misses when recommending things to me...i have to lay down forever now. like in a drainage ditch on the side of the highway. but i have to go to school so instead i will loosely assemble my thoughts here in bullet points that occur in no particular order

you guys...listen to friends at the table. if weird military sci fi isnt your jam than skip partizan and go to some other season but seriously friends at the table just GETS IT. THEY GET IT!!!
austin walker i need to study your mind in a lab NOW. austin is not only a really good GM but also just smart and cool as fuck. my only other experience w/ actual play podcast format is like critical role (which bored me though matt mercer is obviously a very good GM) and dimension 20 fantasy high (in which brennan lee mulligan is a highly entertaining GM despite the genre of fantasy high being way outside my tastes), so maybe i just have too small a sampling size but i loooove the way austin GMs. he really balances honesty and humor and just straight up good storytelling with drama and seriousness somehow...and he's so good at just Saying Words. so many quotes and monologues of his from a nearly 50 episode season still stick in my head. he cooked up some sick as shit missions and played one of my fav characters of all time; gur sevraq. austin slay!!!!
the mechanics of beam saber are so fucking BRUTAL (in a good way). rolling d6s instead of d20s like most other tabletop rbgs/actual play podcasts do makes the stakes soooo high. the stress mechanic that makes it harder to help characters you care about it so crazy. as someone who loves failure and humiliation i like how beam saber really forces players to just fail constantly, without the wishy washyness of rolling like, an 8 on a d20. in beam saber if you roll a 1 or 2 You're In Grave Danger.
ver'million blue my friend ver'million blue. whats a greater character manifesto than i am the gun on this ship.
jack de quidt music. when that evil synth hits>>>>>>>>
two people whose morals are diametrically opposed getting into a massive argument until they physically attack each other and fall to their deaths off the top of a giant fort into the ocean IS the pinnacle of character interaction
ideograms everywhere. ideograms as codes. ideograms on rings. ideograms as overrides. ideograms as song titles. what do you know about SOFTPOINT. UMBRAL. TOUCHPAPER.
partizan character are so fun and perfect TO ME. space pirate with a camera as a head. buff old guy. evil yet totally moronic princess. robotic spider priest. clone school dropout. sexy war criminal. farming robot. alien made of gas. history teacher made of bismuth. gay bird steeplejack. person whose existence is the concept of 'diminished'. evil spy mom. a person who is the concept of erosion but 1000 years of it at once. witch in glass castle.
"play your character like you're crashing a stolen car"
sovereign immunty's first belief about millie being "millie is a delight, i simply must show her to the whole universe" versus sovereign immunity dying carrying millie away from motion/the portcullis
straight up nothing is funnier than clementine kesh almost dying in the first arc of the season because of bad dice rolls on PC performed surgery.
"valence died. we had no idea that was coming. i was like, ali, i think we might have to end the season now, i think the seasons actually over. im not sure what we're doing." so true austin post-mortem walker. i love how the back half of partizan s1 is so nebulous in that in every episode no one on mic has any idea when the season will end. anything can happen. AND IT DOES
"braun lies to me because they think i am a person" simultaneously the saddest and funniest bond/belief ever
in the beginning i really preferred rapid evening episodes more than sbbr episodes but look at me now, dying in agony at how the peak of romanze is playing your dead best friends voicemail to a 1000 yr old prophet as a black ops organization tries to crash god into the moon
clementine kesh truly iconic antagonist. she is so fucking stupid and incompetent that you have to love her. no offense clem. her absolute refusal to go through any character development is camp
can we talk about gur sevraq? i've been dying to talk about gur sevraq. i think the gur sevraq was lovely. first of all click here to understand how i imagined a robotic spider priest. truly inspired character design. his intro in the road to partizan episodes is sooo cool. wwyd if My name is Gur Sevraq, and I have stolen the future. i feel like i am forgetting everything i love about gur i wish partizan wiki was filled out fully so i could relive it all!!!! anyway he is able to make miracles happen...one of which is making a giant walking military fort disappear. ALSO I JUST REALIZED GUR SEVRAQ IS ROT13 FOR 'THE FRIEND' :(
imagine if you died and your mom went 'in death you can be something you never were in life: useful." CLEMENTINE KESH DOESN'T HAVE TO
ao rooke always keeping it real. i love when he shows up, talks some shit, and bounces
nooncrown mission where valence murder-suicides crysanthe...whats better than this; every roll going horribly wrong simultaneously
chasmata quarry mission was SO FUN. i love a good disguise plan....the drama of splitting up the original squad of 4, then phrygian and sovereign being like ummmmm maybe we should split up again?
every day thisbe is throwing mech pilots into the vacuum of space
the absolute soul-crushingness of witch in glass first law being There is a reason why I am alive.
IM COMING BACK TO EDIT THIS POST WHEN I GATHER MORE THOUGHTS

personal fav episode titles

bitter air - behest
the first and second arrests of clementine kesh
she said, "to win, we must play!"
the storm over cruciat
obelle, on fire
a cemetery for heroes
GLORY arrives
guests, invited and otherwise
orbital decay
escape velocity
operation shackled sun: the gate

A Stranger in Olondria by Sofia Samatar

rating: 5 star

summary: what if it won’t leave you alone until you put it to rest?

comments: you guys. you guys. literally the other writers aren't sofia samatar and that will NEVER be ok. this book is like tangentially related to the winged histories...in a good way!! its set a bit before it in a fascinating manner. and tialon is there! the moment when i realized that the prince’s war some characters vaguely mention wanting to go fight in is dasya’s...PAIN. anyways. in this book the main character falls in love with a ghost/angel he is also being haunted by, AND that haunting ultimately snowballs into a massive uncontrollable political/religious disaster for the entire country of olondria. its amazing. jevick is a wonderful protagonist...his is a fascinating perspective to be saddled with! im writing these comments too long after i finished this (back in utah) to fully articulate how much i love it but seriously i couldn’t put it down. miss samatar i love you so much. prose was drop dead gorgeous as always.

highlights:

Tears filled my eyes. The desire to confide in him made me tremble. / “What is your trouble?” he whispered. / “A dead thing. Something dead.” / He leaned close, urgent. “An angel?” / Yes. Yes, I said. An angel.
The sound of something shifting inside the box knocked at my heart; my hands were sweating, and when I had positioned the coffin I wiped them on my coat. The house observed me, silent. Miros and Auram were there, but no one looked out; they had left me to complete this ritual alone. I am the last thing you will see, I said in my heart. I am the last, I have carried you in my arms, I have brought you home.

pages: 304

Boy Parts by Eliza Clark

rating: 4 stars???

summary: what if there was gender. and violence.

comments: i literally cannot articulate what happened to me when i read this book. i finished it in one day and then just sat there in silence looking at the brick wall outside my window. narrator/main character is (intentionally) unbelievably insufferable but the writing is so fresh and funny that i never minded. eliza clark YOUR INSANE and i need your hand in marriage NOW. btw basically every content warning imaginable on this one

highlights:

He’s a vision in polyester, he’s a checkout movie star; he’s the Oscar Isaac of random boys who work in Tesco.
It isn't him. It never is.

pages: 217

The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell

rating: 5 star

summary: what if jesuit priests went to space and it wasnt fun?

comments: okay well im obsessed with this now. this book has my number in the sense that a) it’s essentially anthropological science fiction, b) the protagonist is a linguist, c) it’s a first contact story and d) there is gross body horror and stuff gets Dark. since reading dune last year i have been enjoying sci fi that interrogates religion quite a bit (partially because imo sci fi is extremely well equipped to do so) but have been putting off the sparrow for a while, in that weird way where i knew i would love it but wasn’t ready yet? well i was right and i do love this…i love emilio sandoz as a protagonist and i loved every other main character to bits too. i especially loved the crisis of faith that basically glues this book together. there’s an ongoing disagreement between characters in this book about why god gets credit for good things that happen, but none of the blame for the bad, which culminates devastatingly into; if god is real and all this terrible stuff happened, he must answer for that. which is way more compelling than just wondering if god is real or not. the authors writing is so easy to read but still clever and entertaining and cutting…i can’t put my finger on why though!!! also the framing device of half the chapters morning forward through the mission to space while the other half look backwards on it as emilio is questioned about what happened after returning is soooo great….very I’m Telling You What Is Going To Happen Right Now On Page One And You Will Still Be Shocked and Appalled by These Events as They Occur. i also want to credit the author for having an actual serious grasp on linguistics!! the language puzzles and discussions that happened in this book were very entertaining for me. content warnings for body horror involving hands and general illness, rape, and sex trafficking if you are looking to pick this one up. if your threshold for being uncomfortable/disturbed isnt super high you probably shouldnt read this

highlight:

Now you have to live with knowing. But it was my body. It was my blood. And it was my love.
He thought sometimes of the peculiar peacefulness he’d experienced towards the end of the voyage back, watching blood seep from his hands and thinking, This will kill me, and then I can stop trying to understand.
“Matthew ten, verse twenty-nine,” Vincenzo Giuliani said quietly. “Not one sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it.” / “But still, the sparrow falls,” Felipe said.

pages: 496

Dune Messiah by Frank Herbert

rating: 3.25 stars

summary: what if you knew god and he died

comments: this may as well be titled DUNE For People Who Didn’t Understand DUNE. and i mean that as a compliment. basically if you got tricked into thinking paul is a Good Guy in dune this book is here to be like, just in case you didn’t notice, this guy started a religious cult and then used it to exact revenge over familial disputes which eventually resulted in the deaths of 60 million people. haha. there is an interesting aspect re: paul's ability to see futures, so all this terrible stuff is justified via paul's knowledge that its the least awful path available to take, but. still doesn't make him a good guy! not sure what it makes him really. anyways this was weird but fun in the same ways dune was…#PaulAtreidesIsOverParty i think its epic and hilarious that he walked off into the desert to die at the end. duncan idaho’s corpse being reanimated and given as a gift to paul wildly entertaining as well. too much discussion of incest and having babies but thats just frank herbert for you i guess.

highlight:

Here lies a toppled god – his fall was not a small one. We did but build his pedestal, a narrow and a tall one.

pages: 334

this post boldly answers the question: what the hell am i doing on the internet all day???

death wish: poem by josh alex baker......im dying in agony over I will never admit what he means to / me. Will say / he was simply a game I could not pass up.
adoranten: did you can know you can read scholarly papers about rock art on the internet. been obsessed since i got back from utah.
everyone is beautiful and no one is horny: i've definitely shared the link for this essay several times but im doing it again because its so good and also hilarious. "christopher nolan's incredibly sexless oeuvre" is one of the greatest string of words ever assembled in human history.
ladyknightthebrave: loved this video essayist for a while but lately i have found myself returning to a bunch of her stuff again after she made a vid about pacrim. i especially liked her jojo rabbit/book thief vid, the last of us vid, and her rogue one vid.
fundie fridays: dunking on christian fundamentalism is absolutely a wildly entertaining youtube rabbit hole to go down....jen cracks me up without ever being cruel and im obsessed with the low budget energy of this channel.
willie muse's ANTM deep dive: another good youtube rabbit hole...basically this guy just knits and talks about america's next top model season 6. he talks about the show the way i always want to talk about tv with people and i remember this cycle pretty well so its fun but low effort brain food.
a left handed commencement address: a commencement speech ursula k le guin gave in 1983 that i have been thinking about for a while....especially "i hope you live without the need to dominate, and without the need to be dominated. i hope you are never victims, but have no power over other people."
botw fanart: idk i just keep staring at this. i like it i like to think about it!!!
death comes to me again, a girl: dorianne laux poem that has been living in my mind rent free for ages now
game of roses lexicon: if you want to understand how it is that i enjoy the bachelor franchise as a professional sports league this wiki page will help you

The Basics

I just want to say that I'm perfectly aware I sound crazy constantly tweeting about the bachelor franchise as if it is a professional sports league but A) IT IS and B) its way more fun this way. I've interacted with too much bach media and now I'm too aware of the stats and patterns...Dr. Strange Voice I went forward in time to view alternate futures and see all possible outcomes of the oncoming conflict. The basic underlying assumptions for this viewing experience are as follows:

Everyone is lying
90% of contestants are there for the wrong reasons (i.e. instagram followers) (I support this evil endeavor)
The producers are purposely sowing division and chaos
More contestants want to become the next bachelor than marry the bachelorette

There are 30 contestants this season so I will only single out a handful I think will make it to the foreign country segment of the show that usually starts around episode 4 (though pandemic will probably stop them from actually going anywhere):

Greg
Blake (if he shows up)
Justin
Connor
Thomas
Mike
Tre
Andrew S
Michael

My general thoughts on this episode are that it was kind of balls to the wall insane, by which I mean Katie's taste in men is deeply unintuitive to me personally except on the Greg front. She clearly likes corny stuff and has big horse girl energy which I definitely did not know before when she was on Matt's season. And I don't mean horse girl energy in the sense that she actually like horses but in the sense that she is a freak (affectionate). Its definitely weird to see a season with so much sexual energy being centered after the completely sexless Pilot Pete and Machine Matt seasons, but I'm here for it. And of course the producers cast a conservative virgin for Katie, the girl who brought a vibrator to her limo entrance...see underlying assumption #3 etc etc. Other general notes about the season is that I actually like having Kaitlyn and Tayshia host instead of Chris Harrison! Having two women around for the bachelorette creates a much more fun energy and eases the awkwardness that CH being an old hag man usually brings to the role. I was entertained by them watching all the entrances from the window and doing a running commentary.

Limo Entrances

Blandy: contestant doesn't do anything, says hi, handshake, hug, etc
Standy: contestant has a planned out joke or skit
Kringle: contestant brings a gift
It Takes Two: contestant prepares an activity to do together (dancing or taking a deep breath together are classics)
TOT (trick or treat): contestant wears a costume (this strategy almost always backfires)
Aloha: contestant greets bachelor/ette in a foreign language or fake accent
Grandy: contestant arrives in vehicle other than a limo (classic cars, motorcycles, or RVs are go to's)

Bachelorette Season 17 Stats:

Blandy: 15
Standy: 8
Kringle: 2
It Takes Two: 1
TOT: 1
Aloha: 1
Grandy: 4

Not much to note here; Blandys are always the overwhelming majority followed by Standys and Grandys. However Connor somehow pulled off the first wildly successful TOT by dressing up as a cat? #BachNationFirstFurry...yes I hated every moment of typing that. Andrew S managed a simultaneous Standy/Aloha/Grandy by pulling up in a Model T, then faking a British accent, then making a joke out of it. The single It Takes Two entrance was this guy who did the classic taking a breath thing booooo so lame. Grandys are usually a good route, but statistically a Blandy will serve you best competitively as long as you take advantage of the cocktail party. Everything else is risky and depends on your ability to guess the bachelor/ettes sense of humor.

The Gordian Knot of Greg

I had the rare experience of actually liking one of the contestants on night one (Greg) despite the fact that he is named Greg. He comes across as very sweet and his nervous fumbling was very endearing and he brought Katie a pasta necklace his niece made. Because I am insane my first thought was I bet he doesn't even have a niece but that is probably residual off-the-grid delusion. As much as I got swept up in the Gregness of it all, I really felt he has some kind of desolate and twisted energy. Like if I found out he was faking a whole shy persona I wouldn't even be shocked...but maybe I just think he's cute and therefore I want him to be evil. I do kind of want him to do something evil I'm not gonna lie. I feel that my affinity for ShyGuys is being exploited heavily... Also the edit he got in the first episode and the treatment he gets in the previews indicate to me that he is going to be the next bachelor...because the producers always want you to like the runner up a lot to boost ratings next season. Plus it was extremely funny to me that he said all his sibling having kids was really annoying.

Greg got the first impression rose, which statistically on the bachelorette almost guarantees you make it to the final 4, or even the final 2. He can basically ride on the coat tails of that rose for several weeks if he needs to, but I think him and Connor will have to duke it out earlier than that since they are both taking the strategic shy approach...Greg can lose the first impression rose advantage to whoever gets the first 1 on 1 date depending on how it goes. The best way to make it to the final rose ceremony is to stay out of drama but considering the previews I've seen of the season to come he might actually be the source of some. Hail satan, long may he reign etc etc.

Miscellaneous Commentary

One of the guy's careers was listed as SURGICAL SKIN SALESMAN????
Christian's Boston accent...I think I'm just insane now but its good.
The amount of men crying in the season preview....YES! YES! YES!
I truly feel in my heart that Marcus was meant to be a dolphin trainer
Mike the religious virgin is literally going to be shot out of the sky like a WW2 carrier pigeon

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