its not gold, its pasta [bachelorette ep1]

[braintransplant]

The Basics

I just want to say that I'm perfectly aware I sound crazy constantly tweeting about the bachelor franchise as if it is a professional sports league but A) IT IS and B) its way more fun this way. I've interacted with too much bach media and now I'm too aware of the stats and patterns...Dr. Strange Voice I went forward in time to view alternate futures and see all possible outcomes of the oncoming conflict. The basic underlying assumptions for this viewing experience are as follows:

1. Everyone is lying
2. 90% of contestants are there for the wrong reasons (i.e. instagram followers) (I support this evil endeavor)
3. The producers are purposely sowing division and chaos
4. More contestants want to become the next bachelor than marry the bachelorette 

There are 30 contestants this season so I will only single out a handful I think will make it to the foreign country segment of the show that usually starts around episode 4 (though pandemic will probably stop them from actually going anywhere):

• Greg 
• Blake (if he shows up)
• Justin
• Connor
• Thomas
• Mike 
• Tre
• Andrew S
• Michael

My general thoughts on this episode are that it was kind of balls to the wall insane, by which I mean Katie's taste in men is deeply unintuitive to me personally except on the Greg front. She clearly likes corny stuff and has big horse girl energy which I definitely did not know before when she was on Matt's season. And I don't mean horse girl energy in the sense that she actually like horses but in the sense that she is a freak (affectionate). Its definitely weird to see a season with so much sexual energy being centered after the completely sexless Pilot Pete and Machine Matt seasons, but I'm here for it. And of course the producers cast a conservative virgin for Katie, the girl who brought a vibrator to her limo entrance...see underlying assumption #3 etc etc. Other general notes about the season is that I actually like having Kaitlyn and Tayshia host instead of Chris Harrison! Having two women around for the bachelorette creates a much more fun energy and eases the awkwardness that CH being an old hag man usually brings to the role. I was entertained by them watching all the entrances from the window and doing a running commentary.


Limo Entrances

Blandy: contestant doesn't do anything, says hi, handshake, hug, etc
Standy: contestant has a planned out joke or skit
Kringle: contestant brings a gift 
It Takes Two: contestant prepares an activity to do together (dancing or taking a deep breath together are classics)
TOT (trick or treat): contestant wears a costume (this strategy almost always backfires)
Aloha: contestant greets bachelor/ette in a foreign language or fake accent
Grandy: contestant arrives in vehicle other than a limo (classic cars, motorcycles, or RVs are go to's)

Bachelorette Season 17 Stats:

• Blandy: 15
• Standy: 8
• Kringle: 2
• It Takes Two: 1
• TOT: 1
• Aloha: 1
• Grandy: 4

Not much to note here; Blandys are always the overwhelming majority followed by Standys and Grandys. However Connor somehow pulled off the first wildly successful TOT by dressing up as a cat? #BachNationFirstFurry...yes I hated every moment of typing that. Andrew S managed a simultaneous Standy/Aloha/Grandy by pulling up in a Model T, then faking a British accent, then making a joke out of it. The single It Takes Two entrance was this guy who did the classic taking a breath thing booooo so lame. Grandys are usually a good route, but statistically a Blandy will serve you best competitively as long as you take advantage of the cocktail party. Everything else is risky and depends on your ability to guess the bachelor/ettes sense of humor.


The Gordian Knot of Greg

I had the rare experience of actually liking one of the contestants on night one (Greg) despite the fact that he is named Greg. He comes across as very sweet and his nervous fumbling was very endearing and he brought Katie a pasta necklace his niece made. Because I am insane my first thought was I bet he doesn't even have a niece but that is probably residual off-the-grid delusion. As much as I got swept up in the Gregness of it all, I really felt he has some kind of desolate and twisted energy. Like if I found out he was faking a whole shy persona I wouldn't even be shocked...but maybe I just think he's cute and therefore I want him to be evil. I do kind of want him to do something evil I'm not gonna lie. I feel that my affinity for ShyGuys is being exploited heavily... Also the edit he got in the first episode and the treatment he gets in the previews indicate to me that he is going to be the next bachelor...because the producers always want you to like the runner up a lot to boost ratings next season. Plus it was extremely funny to me that he said all his sibling having kids was really annoying.

Greg got the first impression rose, which statistically on the bachelorette almost guarantees you make it to the final 4, or even the final 2. He can basically ride on the coat tails of that rose for several weeks if he needs to, but I think him and Connor will have to duke it out earlier than that since they are both taking the strategic shy approach...Greg can lose the first impression rose advantage to whoever gets the first 1 on 1 date depending on how it goes. The best way to make it to the final rose ceremony is to stay out of drama but considering the previews I've seen of the season to come he might actually be the source of some. Hail satan, long may he reign etc etc.


Miscellaneous Commentary

• One of the guy's careers was listed as SURGICAL SKIN SALESMAN????
• Christian's Boston accent...I think I'm just insane now but its good.
• The amount of men crying in the season preview....YES! YES! YES!
• I truly feel in my heart that Marcus was meant to be a dolphin trainer
• Mike the religious virgin is literally going to be shot out of the sky like a WW2 carrier pigeon