braintransplant / the unofficial detroit tour guide of places i wish i was at right now (Reply)

ok i literally miss going out and doing things I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE a curse upon coronavirus. but i was thinking about how all my hockeyfic is secretly an overly complicated list of places in detroit i like and now i want to make a big post about it. pain. pain. pain. this is my post-covid revenge tour

the brakeman / penny red's: brakeman is a beer and rec hall with a fried chicken place (penny red's) attached to it. its one of those convoluted places where you have to buy tokens to use at the bar but i dont even go there to drink anyways plus the honey butter biscuits are so good it will make you die. people will be playing any number of stupid games and you will definitely be hit in the head with a ping pong ball. its downtown like a block off woodward and attached the shinola hotel so you can just get off the q-line at grand circus and walk! and there is faygo.
seva: a veg/vegan restaurant located behind a now-out-of-business checkers and next to an art gallery? you will literally never see this place unless you are looking for it but it is so good. general tso's cauliflower + pizza bread is my go to combo even though its majorly carby. also if you go during happy hour you can get half off the apps. unfortunately being allergic to tree nuts means half the shit on the menu will kill me but i love this place. i go there way too much its actually an issue.
chartreuse: a pretentious new-american small plates joint but its actually good and fun. normally me and izzy go here for out friendiversary or i take whoever has never been to the city before here...the twice cooked egg is so good for no reason. its wildly overpriced and you usually have to make reservations but it contributes to the experience. i think i ate rabbit here once? also there is a photo of a parsnip that looks like a sexy woman framed in the entrance and everything inside is indeed chartreuse-colored.
johnny noodle king: its ramen. its bao buns. its tiny and in the desolate industrial section of detroit for no reason. cant go wrong!
mercury burger bar: sandwiches...burgers...yeah they're good but have you had the POUTINE TATER TOTS? if you sit outside in the summer you will straight up be attacked by 50 bees. they also do that thing where if you order a shake they give you the rest of it in that aluminum thing. its in cork town so good luck with parking.
ottava via: an italian restaurant in an old bank. its upscale so your money will fly out the window but it is so good...order pasta. ragout or the truffle one never miss. you can play bocce ball in the back and get a sunburn. also in cork town.
la dolce vita: another upscale italian restaurant though this one is def more traditional feeling...i have inherited weirdly close relationships w/ the owner and staff from my dad so. i still have to give the owner this glass dish back that i have from when my family ordered a big thing of lasagna for christmas. and antonio gives us free homemade limoncello all the time! everything on the menu is good here for real. its wayyy up woodward so its not even in the city really but its worth it imo.
pierogi stand @ eastern market: the people's pierogi...stand in line for 5 minute and get pierogi + kraut for 5 bucks. its good...its always there...they also sell frozen dozens you can take home. in addition there is this mustard guy in the next stand over usually so you can try that with it too
beignet truck @ eastern market: disappeared since covid happened but damn this shit is so good. you have to get beignets with the works otherwise you're not living life to the fullest: raspberry sauce + chocolate syrup + powdered sugar...i miss this so bad. the guy who works the register is so nice!
detroit water ice: i dont even know what this stuff is technically. im pretty sure its like a derivative of italian ice but its soooo good and cheap. watermelon flavor is The One and to this day i haven't tried another. this is right on woodward downtown so you can take the q-line to campus martius and walk a half block.
cafe d'mongos: this is technically a speakeasy and it is 100% the weirdest place in detroit. the inside is decorated like a gay pirate developed an antiquing hobby and is having a garage sale. there is just random shit everywhere and you will probably catch some kind of disease here but the vibes are insane. whatever you do, dont use the bathroom.
little caesar's arena: look im red wings fan. the arena is brand new and extremely snazzy. buy a $70 dollar ticket to sit halfway down section 113; the home team will shoot on your end twice, you are protected from flying pucks, and its the best view in the place. if you somehow have the ability to afford/get player's club tickets: BUY THAT SHIT. endless food/drink/snacks and its very funny to watch the players walk through the middle of the room especially when they are losing miserably.

honorable mentions

the huron room: this place straight up closed like 3.5 years ago at this point and im still mad about it. it was in mexican town for some reason but it had great seafood + random plates
anna scripps whitcomb conservatory: this botanical garden is literally the only thing to do on belle isle and while it is small it is still nice. i like plants.
the detroit institute of arts: i'm not really a serious art / art history person but you have to go here. they have fun exhibits sometimes.
green dot stables: slider joint owned by same guy as johnny noodle king, cheap plus they serve weird meats sometimes which can be fun
selden standard: another weird pretentious new-american place with no parking. i have never been here without my dad
detroit athletic club/ DAC rooftop: you cant go inside here unless you either know someone with a membership or have one but if you somehow finagle that...jump on the opportunity. food is good and you can see right into tiger stadium its very cool. i got a massage on the lower floor once it was crazy. there is a single bowling alley in the basement.
jolly pumpkin: pizza + brewery + beer hall where you order up front and then sit down. really good truffle fries. sandwiched between a shinola store and jack white's third man records so its fun to take a look around afterwards.
detroit one coney island: this thing has been around for like 800 years, the parking lot is only accessible through a single lane back alley, and you will probably get food poisoning. you should still go though.